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How 12 Days of Xmas sundered true lovers

December 1, 2015

from Canberra Times 13 December 1981 Page 9

How twelve days of Christmas gift giving sundered true lovers
Darling Dwayne darling,
The first day of Christmas and missing you madly and what a lovely surprise it was to get the partridge in the pear tree. I was truly delighted what a romantic thing you are and I can’t wait for you to pop in and wring its neck so we can have a lovely Chrissie feast together.
Your true love ever and your cuddly rabbit,
Cherlene. XXXOOO.
PS. Do you have a recipe for partridge?
Darling Dwayne dearest,
Thank you for the wonderful surprise. Two puffy pigeons cooing away just like us. You know my best friend Allyson. She says they are two turtle doves. Trust her to know. She thinks she knows everything. Will they mix with the budgies? I don’t mean THAT, mean they won’t all eat each other will they.
Your true love and cuddly cooing rabbit,
PS. How do you get puffy pigeon poo out of the shag pile?
Darling Dwayne,
Three chooks! You are a funny thing. Allyson says they are French hens. Well, I don’t know what to make of that. They look like they’ll make nice eating. You’re not knocking them off from somewhere are you dear?
Your true love,

Dearest Dwayne,
Four more birdies, I’ve cancelled the New Year ham. Bad news I’m afraid. The budgies died of shock when I put the other things in their cage. Oh well, one mustn’t grieve.
Your true love,

Darling Dwayne,
Five gold rings and the hot birds haven’t cooled yet. I don’t want to interfere, but if you’ve done a job tell me. It’s not fair to use me as your fence or whatever without at
least saying. You know Allyson, my best friend’s Robert is a cop and always popping in. Please pop in yourself and wring partridge’s neck, make make a cage down the back for the rest of the livestock (their calling brings on my migraine) and pick up four of the rings.
Love Cherlene

Six damn geese laying eggs all
over the damn place are the last thing I want when I have a migraine, and Allyson
and Robert and my other best friends are popping in to see the new spa. Please acknowledge earlier letter about picking up the et cetera.

Seven swans may be a sweet romantic thought but the spa is simply not big enough. I thought you knew that. Also swans, hens, doves et cetera not house-trained, not spa trained, and they’re all doing it now in the shag pile. Joke’s
over. I mean it.

Eight popsies dressed as milkmaids are in my spa and have flooded it over the Italian tiles and in to the shag pile which I’d just had cleaned. Keep your goddam floosies out of my flat. Where did we go wrong Dwayne? We seem
to have lost contact.

Nine fiddlers no doubt your poofter friends all fiddling and God knows what else with the bloody milkmaids. The place is a shambles and the neighbours complaining. The swans and geese have got next door’s Alsatian bailed up against the back fence. Robert is asking questions about the rings. My head feels like cyclone Tracy. I had hoped
we’d settle down and start a family not a bloody farm
commune. Please call collect.

Dearest Dwayne,
Thank God you sent the 10 drummers. They’ve settled down with the milkmaids and the fiddlers are looking after the cows which I forgot to mention, the milkmaids brought with them. But we still haven’t sorted things out between us, have we cuddly rabbit?
Love Cherlene.

Dear Dwayne,,
My weakness for royalty. Fancy you remembering that, the 12 leaping lords you sent are a great success with my best friends and yours truly. Lord Montague is a scream. The 11 dancing ladies who arrived the day before were a bit of a drag at first. But now the shag pile is up we are having quite a time of it. Dancing, leaping and having lots of fun. Who’d have thought I’d take to the communal life like this. The billeting was a problem at first, but we’ve sorted it out now to our satisfaction. Can you knock off some more partridges and things? Delicious. The fiddlers showed me how to cook the swans and geese, too. Do pop in some time. Pity we couldn’t make a go of it Dwayne, but this new lifestyle suits me.
Yours sincerely,
Cherlene. PS. New address is Yankalilla.
Dear Dwayne,
There was no call for that kind of reply and we don’t
want to know what the next
gift was going to be but we are unanimous in wishing you a happy New Year no matter
Signed Cherlene and 12 leaping lords 11 dancing ladies
10 drummers
9 fiddlers 8 milkmaids
in receipt of 7 swans
6 geese 5 gold rings 4 calling birds
3 French hens 2 turtle doves And a partridge in a pear tree.



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